How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
