it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
