Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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