she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
