So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
