My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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