Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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