i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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