I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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