broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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