Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
