My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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