this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
