i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
