I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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