If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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