The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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