Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
