if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
