Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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