i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
