why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
