I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
