Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
