i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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