Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
