I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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