i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
