i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
