hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
do herpes really smell.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
it glows. i had to have it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
