So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
