Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
