I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
they're like a gay fantastic four
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
