She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
