I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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