Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
