New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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