I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
