im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
