i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
