bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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