Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
