Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
