Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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