we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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