I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
