you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
