I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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