I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I need a beard to bite.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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