Your face is a jimmy john
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
