If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He did a backflip because drugs
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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